I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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