The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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