I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
