So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
