did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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