i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
