I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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