What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
