Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my being single is dangerous.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
