mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
