The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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