We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
