Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
