actually, I'm a sock model
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
