Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
