Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
