Ketchup is God's man juice
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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