Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
