I'm eating all of the evidence.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
