The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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