Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
