on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
