In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He shit in the fireplace
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
