wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
