News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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