why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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