mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
