$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
