I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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