my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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