Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
pray to the hookup gods
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize