Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
