New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
