i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
