i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Actions speak louder than pants.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
