Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize