i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
