I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
