OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just want to make out with him forever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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