I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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