Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So many bounce houses so little time
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
