Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
