Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
