I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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