Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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