I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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