Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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