I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
