theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
