i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize