i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
