hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
