Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
