I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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