i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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