I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
