Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
