I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
