He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
