did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize