i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
