yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
