He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my poor anus
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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