that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
