I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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