She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
