The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
