why didn't you poke me back
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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