8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
