I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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