Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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